What Is Meant To Be Will Be

Nik asked me to marry him.

As The Gold Fluttered Down From The Sky

Rainy day's are the best for day dreaming, and I've done nothing but that all day. Mind in the clouds. Heart is elsewhere. There is only one place I wish I was today. With him. But instead I find myself in this office, in a city I don't belong to. Business suddenly turned into pleasure. It's hard when I have to be away. Home is where I need to be today. His arms are home to me. His voice telling me he misses me, he loves me , fills me with such happiness and longing for him. I wish I was with him today.

take me, if you will

I'm a lofty conundrum

made of flickered light

and you, you're a note

pin'd to a soulful kid's mind

between truths and dares

 the hard to reach places

appeal the most.

-KM

These Mishaps You Bubble Wrap

I've had a bad case of insomnia for a couple of weeks now.  As usual, when I have a lot on my mind it affects my ability to get a good nights sleep. Something big happened in my life recently that has just set me on this journey of self-discovery. I am discovering that I have held on to so much pain, anger, disappointment because of what my Mother did and did not do for me through out my life. I will always be left with this longing for the loving Mother/Daughter relationship some people are lucky to have. I find this to be very sad. I feel cheated. I am angry. 

When I was young I would tell people that I wasn't my Mother's "real" daughter in order to hide my shame of being treated so coldly by her. In telling my friends I was adopted I hoped to explain away her coldness towards me. It was a lie that protected me. I was cheated out of all the things a child should have. I was cheated from having the kind of love only a mother can give you. Unconditional Love. What happens to a little girl that never knows what it feels like to receive unconditional love from her Mother? It makes her grow up never feeling that she is good enough. It makes a girl grow up to be a young woman who struggles with self esteem, struggles with abandonment issues. It makes a girl grow up to be a young woman that accepts dishonesty, infidelity, bullshit in relationships because she has allowed herself to believe if a Mother can't love you what would make her think a man can. It's a struggle to see outside that warped vision of myself sometimes. I push myself to be perfect. I excel at work. I push myself to look perfect. I rely on no one but myself. Why trust in others when being let down can hurt so much? If I achieve perfection, then I will be loved, unconditionally, right? 

Right. 

It has taken me years to finally find that love I have craved and suffered for. No one can love me, like I have to love myself. I was a little girl who didn't love herself because he thought she was not worthy of love because of what my Mother didn't give me. I've grown up to discover that although some wounds from the past will never heal I can change the course of my future by never being the kind of Mother that she was to me. I'm told that I must let go of what never was. That if I continue to carry this pain inside of me all it will do will  be to hinder me from being completely happy. To understand that the mistakes that were made against me are mistakes I will never make with my children. My future children will be loved, completely. My children will never feel unworthy, unloved, alone. My children will hear the words "I love you", daily. Not once every few years, on a special occasion, for the benefit of others, as was told to me.  I will be the Mother I always wanted.

Now I must learn to fight the lingering thoughts that cloud my mind. I must finally let go. I will try and focus on the good things....upcoming vacations, winter having turned into spring, love, the career I enjoy, start planning the move out of this house and into the North Scottsdale house as Nik has suggested we do. More room for  us, more room for our growing pack of dogs, more room to begin a family. All these little things that will help me leave the painful past behind and into a happier future.

With My Heart In Your Hands

It is in times of sorrow that love shines through and gives even the darkest nights a shimmer of light. It is during times of pain when you reach out your hand and find someone there giving you the strength you need and you realize some promises are made from one heart to another with no intention of being broken. It is when you are afraid of an inevitable future and you are told you are not alone, not ever again alone that you see someone clearly. You see truth, honesty, compassion, love....you close your eyes and suddenly feel the weight you have been carrying on your shoulders lift away and for the first time understand what loyalty really is.

Waiting Underneath The Mistletoe

Slow dancing in a room lit by the twinkling lights of a Christmas tree. Kissing under mistletoe hung in every room of the house. Snuggling on the couch, watching holiday movies that remind us of when we were young and still believed in Santa. Laughing as we imagine how much better these days of Frosty the Snowman and The Little Drummer Boy will be when we have "Jack". Smells of gingerbread, pine, holly, peppermint and cloves filling very corner of every sense. Waking up Christmas morning and knowing I have everything I've ever wanted.

This will be the best Christmas....
.Ever.

The Wonder That Keeps The Stars Apart

As he lays sleeping soundly, the clock strikes midnight and I walk out into the cold night and look up at the star-filled sky. I stand still, looking for the brightest twinkling star knowing the first wish made is the one that is most important, the wish I most desire to come true. I stare in amazement as I see a shooting star across the midnight sky and am in awe at the night sky's celestial dance. I feel my heart fill with hope as I begin to whisper my wishes.

What I wish for tonight, my Birthday, is Love. I wish for a love so strong that nothing can make it falter. A love that withstands the strongest of tornadoes. I wish to be able to love completely, unconditionally, and be loved just the same. I wish to be loved, flawed as I am...loved....loved.  Simply, loved.

I wish for serenity within, to calm the fears and to silence the anger that weighs down my soul.

I wish for forgiveness. For pain I have caused with thoughtless words and hurtful actions. I wish for forgiveness for disappointing those that love me. I wish to learn from the mistakes I have made and grow to be the woman all those who love me can be proud of. I wish for the strength to make my wrongs, right.

I wish that Cancer fade quickly away from the life of the mother of the person who means the world to me,  who's heart is aching. I wish good health for her and peace within his soul. I wish for him to find strength when he feels the weakest.

I wish for happiness. Sweet, comforting happiness. Laughter that will fill my heart, my home, my life.....his heart, our home, his life.

I wish for simple things....happiness, comfort in loving arms, security, trust, and Love. Sweet Love, Passionate Love, Deep Love.

For all these things I wish tonight on the brightest of stars that dance across the luminous sky above.

I carry your heart with me

I carry it in my heart

I am never without it

Anywhere I go you go

and whatever is done by only me is your doing

I fear no fate

For you are my fate

I want no world

For beautiful you are my world,

my true

And it's you, you are whatever a moon has always meant

And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart

I carry it in my heart

-E. E. Cummings

Just Like You Said It Should Be

You have touched

my hair

with the palms

of your hands

you have fingered

the strands

around and around

I have touched

your ears

with my words

I have tickled

with laughter

my neck

with your tongue

with your teeth

with your lips

You have kissed

your thighs

with my thighs

pressing between

we have touched

your arms

your scar

you said you bleed hard

as I traced the soft flesh

my hands

with your hands

your chest

with my chest

and even your heart yes!

especially your heart

your cheek to my breast

as it rises and falls

your breath in my hair

the wind in the leaves

oh yes

these

we have touched

-patti tana

Come Home, said the wounded warrior.    
Show me the way, she replied.  

And so he did, lighting her journey back to him with a love only he could give her. He opened his heart and laid it all down at her feet. The pain. The love. The longing. The passion. These they both laid bare. They forgave each others acts of anger, forgave the words said to hide disappointments in each other.  They understand that sometimes hurt takes on the face of anger. They forgave themselves for becoming people they were not, selfish, stubborn. They understand that regardless of the roads they have taken in an attempt to break free from each other, love leads them back to one another. It always has, it always will. It only takes a whispered word to the heart and everything and everyone around them fades away and they are one again. The promises of marriage, children, happiness given to each other form a tighter bond between them. They do not care if they are not understood, or if they are judged. Only they know what lies beneath.  Only they know that in each other they have more than others hope to have in a lifetime. They understand why they both can not give themselves completely to others, how can they when they belong only to each other. No one knows her heart, like he does. No one knows his heart, like she does. Their world is once again, complete.

If You Lay Your Weapon Down

Beautiful autumn Sunday spent enjoying the beauty of the day. Now, pumpkin bread bakes in the oven filling the house with the smell of vanilla and spice. Fireplace lit brightly, sounds of wood crackling. Soothing. Laying on the couch, unwinding, thinking....

I write. I wait.

With the passing of time have come beginnings and endings. Memories that make me smile and some that bring tears to my soul reminding me that not one moment of joy or pain that has passed will be forgotten. The beginnings will be treasured and I now understand that some endings are never final, so there is no reason to mourn the goodbyes. They just slightly fade only to come back even more brightly than before. They return because there are feelings that time can not diminish. You sit quietly, you laugh loudly, you continue to live, and you wait for the return. After all, true love never truly fades away. It lingers, floating all around you like a wisp of smoke that disappears, as if gone forever, but if you close your eyes, moments later, days later, months later and inhale...you will still feel it, smell it, desire it. Some things never change, some feelings never fade, they are all around you. In everything you do. They are so much a part of you that without them you would be incomplete. They are in the small spark that grows into the roaring fire such as the one I am looking into tonight as I lay here. It is in the dark night outside the window, where I hear the wind passing through the naked branches of trees saying softly my name as it was whispered in nights that have passed but will return.  It is like 9am single sentence emails saying "it's like slow dancing in a burning room" reminding you that the heartbeat you hear is not yours alone. Someone is calling out your name just as you call out theirs. It is like the promise the sun and moon have made to each other, one will always follow the other, for all eternity. They are not one without the other.

I write. I wait.

Lost in Paradise

I've been dreaming of far away exotic places. The desire to pack my suitcase and venture out has me feeling restless and anxious. I've been bored and tired of the monotony of life's routines and want to leave all misfortunes and disillusionment's behind. I want to lose myself in the world....in jungle forests, in tropical paradises, in bustling metropolises and in red sand deserts.

My daydreams take me to lush coconut groves overlooking the turquoise waters of the Andaman Sea. Getting lost in the ruins of palaces shaded by bougainvillea and temples sweet with the scent of frangipani and tuberoses where once upon a time offerings were made to the Gods. I will make my own offerings and pray for atonement for sins I must have committed in another life. Sins I continue to pay for in this one.

When The World's Gone Crazy And It Makes No Sense

Father's Day as expected was a bittersweet day. Tender Father-Daughter moments of days long passed  occupied my mind and made for moments of sadness which have carried over to the mood of today.  I saw it coming, this wave of disquiet. I've tried to stay focused on the blissful images of life yet to be shown by people that love me, but it's been difficult.

Today there is a deep sadness in my heart. I feel stripped bare of the facade of strong woman and I feel weak. I am tired. My soul is weary. I've not slept well in days. Physically, I am exhausted and I don't feel well. My health and the stresses of trying to be upbeat have been laying heavy on me.  I try not to focus on those things in my life which I have no control over but it's hard to not want to reach out and take control of the wheel when I see my life going in a direction I had not planned it would go. I can do nothing but sit back and watch as the hand is dealt and the game is played.

Tomorrow I know the clouds will part and the sun will come up and I will once again be the optimist girl that believes things happen for a reason and that from every heartbreaking situation you become stronger....but today, I will just allow the tears to fall like rain and pray they wash away the sadness.

Fight Like A Girl

It was time for the 6 month check up this week.  Lab work results were not what I had anticipated. More tests to come. Feeling rather blindsided I did what is typical for me to do. Ran away. Tried to hide from truths I just didn't want to face. In just a few days I've gone from fear, denial and now.... anger.

Time to pick up that Louisville Slugger again.
Game on.

I'm going to kick some ass.

All The Way To The Edge Of Desire

We lie sideways

under the sheltering sheet.

I have wedged myself

against the back of you,

my arm wrapped around your side,

my hand

on your chest.

Your hand covers mine.

We talk in touches now.

We listen to each other's fingertips.

-david meuel

I'm not sure how it happened. How life, muted, unremarkable in hue suddenly became a kaleidoscope of  brilliant colors. Lost I had been in my self-imposed limbo having grown accustomed to feeling nothing but the jagged edge of  a broken heart.  Tired I had become of  reaching out to emptiness. So weary was I that even when at my feet were laid promises of dreams fulfilled did I not believe and instead guarded myself from behind the walls built around my heart.

Then, in the still of the night,  as I lay in my bed, listening to the distant toll of church bells,  feeling an emptiness not felt before, I realized that the battered warriors shield I had been holding in front of me, worn from the many lost battles against love, was holding me back from accepting happiness back into my life.  The time had come to put down my defenses. And so I did.  In an instant, darkness became light. Like a silent prayer at long last answered,  hope came and swept me up high above the clouds. The nostalgia I had felt in months passed had arrived once again  knocking loudly at my door, only this time, there is no sadness, there is only yearning and passion and desire for that beautiful life I have always wanted and for the man who has offered it all to me.

You Are The Moon And I The Endless Sky

Walk with me, hand in hand, down the narrow winding cobblestone streets of a Moorish Spanish hilltop town squeezed between the sierras and the sea.  Let's get lost exploring the brilliant white and ancient labyrinthine alleyways, wandering past iron-grilled windows and balconies and Baroque church domes. Kiss me against dark oak barrels in a sherry bodega, the taste of fino on our lips, the dense aroma of raisins, must, and citrus in the air. Sit with me under the moonlight in the palm and pomegranate tree filled plaza as we watch the passionate movements of the Flamenco dancers, the furious rhythm of the Gypsy guitars in sync with the beats of our hearts.

And there hidden along the long empty white sand beach with the pine woods as our canopy and the mint leaves beneath us as our bed, as I look up at you and see the moon and the endless sky above .... tell me that in your heart my love has finally found the safest hiding place.

I Feel A Love Light Rush Over Me

The house is quiet today. Still. The windows are open, the curtains blowing in the breeze, music softly playing as I walk the halls and touch the frames of the pictures on the walls. I am longing for something that isn't here.  I stand against the cold wall and close my eyes and I hear laughter, I smell the intoxicating scent of a man's skin, I hear my name being whispered and even feel the softness of lips against my naked shoulder.  Is this Déjà vu?  A flash of forgotten memories? No. What is making me sigh, what is making my heart feel longing are not memories. It's Nostalgia for what's yet to be.

In itself, Nostalgia isn't bad, is it?  It means good things have happened to you and you miss them. I suppose that’s why moments like these, although momentarily sad, make me smile....because it means something worth missing has happened to me. Can you feel nostalgic over something that hasn’t happened yet? I imagine how things will be...with love...with life in general. I know they will be so beautiful. So very beautiful.  When I realize that this nostalgia I feel is for things that haven't happened yet, or because of things that may never happen I get really sad, really sad.  Strange thing to miss something that hasn't happened, or someone you've never touched, or a place you've never been. But that is exactly what I feel right now. I long for what I've never had. This sadness is like a down payment of sadness. You advance it because you know eventually you'll use it up anyways. I'm nostalgic for things that I want, for things that may be within my reach at this very moment, and for things I've yet to experience.

I've had a lot on my mind the last several days. I don’t know why I’ve been so undecided about certain things. Why I keep putting off what I think may be something good.  It feels as if I've pressed the hold button on my life and I'm just waiting for the right time to push play and begin again.  I don't really know exactly what is holding me from taking that step. Truly, what better time to begin something new than now I know. A new year has begun, a new decade, a new chapter to write.

It's time to press play.

When The Blue Snowflakes Start Falling

I've got a case of the holiday blues. Find myself in a funk today. Dont really know why I'm feeling down. Everything's been good, really good actually. There's some good things that have come my way in the last couple of weeks and I should be enjoying them. Instead, I'm sitting here just feeling blue. I miss my Dad. Cried today thinking of him. Hadn't done that in a long time. The family is scattering for Christmas, Mom will be in Minneapolis visiting the little grandchildren, Desarae will spend it with friends. I can go and spend it with my Brother and his family, the invitation has been recieved. I just dont really want to. I've been thinking of hopping on a plane and going on an adventure. Maybe I will. Maybe that's what I need.

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday. It's a bittersweet day. Another birthday here and yet so many aspects of my life not what I wish they were.  In a couple of hours I will be celebrating with people who love me, who have been there for me when things have been difficult and laughed with me when life has been good. I've recieved texts all day today from friends all over the country and they have made me feel loved. I have many birhday wishes to make when I blow out the candles tonight......I just know this year they will all come true.

Take A Breath, Take It Deep

Just a few days ago I found something I had written at the beginning of December of last year for this blog, something I had decided not to share after all. I don't even remember why to be honest. I hardly remember writing it. I waited until it was exactly a year to the day I describe below to post it. Perhaps because I felt there was irony in finding it when I've come full circle and can say that that chapter of my life is one that has been written, read, remembered, but now over. I considered editing what I wrote. At the time I was also going thru a painful breakup so emotions were very raw, but decided that I would let myself be seen as I was.

I can never forget the smell of Tijuana. If I was blindfolded and taken there I would know where I was. The smell of burning tires, the smell of poverty, of delicious Mexican sweet bread and taco stands. It starts to rain as we arrive at the clinic. The last time I was here was so many years ago as a child when I had been brought to receive holistic treatments for severe asthma. Oasis of Hope it is called. It looks completely different from what I remember. Then, a small clinic. Now, a big state of the art hospital. The difference from the cold and sterile hospitals I had been going to in California was felt the moment I walk in. The focus here is not only on the physical healing but of the emotional and spiritual as well. They are gentle. They smile when they speak to me and touch my arm with concern. All of the kindness around me almost makes me break down in tears. I then realize how much I had wanted to be spoken to that way. To have people make me feel that they care. I am lacking this in every other aspect of my life.

And so it begins....the tests that will determine why blood has been staining the inside of my left bra cup on a daily basis for the past month. Blood tests, painful digital mammogram, then the waiting for the doctor to see the results. The young nurse who just performed the mammogram walks back into the room and says "The doctor wants to run another test because she sees something on the right breast."

The right breast? You mean the left one, I say. I'm here because of the left breast. There's nothing wrong with my right breast, I insist. I can hear my voice become squeaky, high, a little too loud.

"Well, she wants me to give you an ultrasound on both breasts", she says softly and smiles as she takes me to a room where I am to sit and wait to be taken into the room where the ultrasound will be performed. I am told to sit, look at a magazine, relax, watch some tv. Do you want some water, juice, coffee? I don't want anything. I just want to leave. I look up at the television and see that Oprah is on. To this day I cannot watch an episode of Oprah without beginning to feel a bit of anxiety.

I walk over to the window and look out; I can see the ocean just a few blocks away. It is dark and gray. I tell myself I will forever remember this room, this day. I will remember standing in this cold, brightly lit room, alone. I will remember the sense of desperation that I feel. I am part of the city. Desperate.

I look out the window and close my eyes and imagine feeling his arms around me. How much I need him right now. How far away he is.

The nice pretty nurse escorts me to the examination room. It's dark and I don't want to go in. She begins the ultrasound. I feel her circling around the same two spots. Click, picture taken. Click, again. Over and over again until I’m annoyed and want to tell her to stop. "I’m going to get the doctor, I want her to see something" she says in a cheery voice that does not match where I am or why I’m here or the look she just tried to hide. I want to hear that it was all a mistake but am told just the opposite.

The doctor, a woman, comes in, introduces herself and it begins again. Click. Click. Picture after picture. Why are they focusing on my right breast?? I want to yell that out but stay silent. Finally she says "We found two nodules on your right breast. We'll have to schedule you for surgery to remove them."

I can’t even speak. I just say "Okay".

She goes on..."There's also a test that has to be done on the left breast to find where the bleeding is coming from. We have to inject ink into your nipple, this will lead us to where the bleeding is.

I can't today, I whisper. I’m starting to panic. I feel like I’m going to faint. I want to throw up. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be here. I want him to come and get me. I want him to take me away from here.

She says, "Not today. You will need to be sedated. We will make the appointment for the morning." She asks me if Im okay. I want to say NO! But I smile and say, "Yes, just nervous. I'm scared of needles".

What I want to say is that I'm scared of cancer. I've seen what it is capable of.

She walks out and I remain laying on the table in the uncomfortable hospital gown looking up at the ceiling. I bite the inside of my lip and tell myself over and over, don’t cry. Don’t cry. Dont cry.

I walk out of the room and I'm taken back to the dressing room to change out of the hospital gown and into my own clothes. I sit there and reach for my phone to call him. I want to hear his voice. I want to cry and tell him I'm scared. I want to hear him say he loves me. I call but he doesn’t answer and I know he won't call back.

My head hurts. I have to make small talk so my Mom and Aunt think I’m fine. I have to be sure they are fine with this. I have to smile and say "Yes, I’m hungry" when they suggest driving to Puerto Nuevo for a lobster dinner when the thought of food makes me want to be sick.

I want to run away from this. I want to get in the car and drive away from this. I want to get on a plane and hide from this. But I know there’s no where to run. I know there’s no where to go.

I have to be strong.

The past has taught me to be strong.

I am my father's daughter.

I am my father's daughter.

Everything Is Not Broken

I can't believe the year is almost at its end and the holidays are just around the corner. I can still clearly remember the end of last year and what a horrible time in my life that was.  I'm very much looking forward to celebrating the holidays in my own home with loved ones.  In less than a month it will be my birthday and unlike last year, this one promises to be very special. I found out that my special someone is planning something big for me and I'm giddy with anticipation. I don't care how old I get, birthdays always make me happy and excited.

After an unexpected Come to Jesus moment a little over a month ago, I'm finally back to being in a good place where complications are few and  love is all around me. I've always been the believer of Karma, and unfortunately this time around it was I that was given a bit of the what goes around comes around lesson. I behaved badly and Karma taught me that no one is immune to her punishment.  I had to learn to forgive in order to be forgiven, which by the way, is no easy task. I definitely feel that I now see certain people in a clearer light and will appreciate what they bring into my life and not take them for granted again. I have placed blame where blame is due and can love freely and honestly....and after months of secrets and tangled webs, it feels good, really good.

The Resolution Of All The Fruitless Searches

Driving home in evening rush hour, heart beating quickly, my body aching for the quiet only found in his arms.

I walk through the house removing layers of clothing, layers of the day and of myself, every step is taking me towards the bedroom where he sleeps. I climb into bed, gently, so not to wake him. I need to lay next to him, feel his skin against mine and lay my head in that special spot on his chest, beneath his chin where I fit so well.

He wakes.

We lay a long time without saying a word, looking at each other. I do not know what he sees, but I see eyes of surpassing tenderness and love. In the golden iris of his eyes I see truth and honesty and it lulls me into peace.
I sleep.

When I wake again, he is still looking at me, his gaze silently letting me know he is there to stand guard over me and protect me from the shadows that hide in the corners of my mind.

I know that though we are hardly touching, we are falling deeper and deeper into a place beyond words or touch....

we are falling into love.

That's Not The Shape Of My Heart

It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I'm lonely. I've been laying in bed, unable to sleep, tossing and turning and just feeling...lonely. I've been a little bit blue all day. Nothing happened to make me suddenly feel this way. I just woke up sad and the feeling has lingered through the day. I had been feeling light for so many days. Waking up and feeling a weight on my heart was so unexpected. If I was surrounded by people, I think I would still feel lonely. Isn't it strange to feel that way?

I wish I wasn't sleeping alone tonight. I miss him. I wish I could lay my head on his chest while he sleeps and listen to his heart beat. Let the rhythm of the beats be my lullaby. It's only then that I would have peace and sleep. He's the only one who can calm the storm within.

I wish I wasn't feeling so lonely tonight. I wish I could sleep. I wish I didn't miss him so much.

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

As Constant As Any Sun

Maybe it has been the brilliant meteor showers this past week, the wishes made on the shootings stars streaking across the desert sky or perhaps the acceptance that some aspects of my life are not ready for change that have brought a certain blissful peace over me. Whatever the reason for this sense of calm, I welcome it. The recent thunderstorm of emotions had left me weary, tired, confused. This quiet tranquility has given me opportunity to think, to make decisions, to make sense of my feelings. To understand that I can't rush what is yet to be.

Someone very close to my heart recently told me that I write of love on this blog yet I can't reach out for it, I only dream of it. How strange it was to hear those words from someone who I felt knows me, for those words are far from the truth. I reach out to love. I grasp on to it. And even when I should let it go, it's power over me does not permit me to do so. I suffer from that love. I find happiness within it. I am controlled by love. I am controlled by my passions. I allow it to lead me into depths of desire and love some never reach. I lead my life by the beats of my heart. For me, passion is not released by sex alone. I am not tempted by sex. I succumb to my desires, my passions only to the heart who I know can reciprocate the intense emotions I am controlled by.

It can only be about sex
we both know that.

But
what I wonder is
why
after every molecule of desire
in my body has been satisfied
after
the sudden moistening, the deep
fierce aching and rising heat,
after
the throbbing glory of release and the cries
of need and pleasure have dissolved
into the air,
Something like my soul slips from me
and goes to you,
without choice or question,
and wraps itself around you
all night, like the breath
of the moon
And why
I carry the thought of you
as constant as any sun
in my heart.

-g.zeitlin

Stripped

I've been working on something. An exclusive blog. A blog where my secrets will be revealed to those who ask for access. I've grown weary of those who read the words I write here, who talk about them, who get hurt by them, who love me less or love me more because of them. This new blog will be different, all mystery gone, no shadows to hide behind. A place where I will reveal myself. My true self. No tangle of words. It will just be me. Stripped. As much as I love the mystery behind the words I write there are times when I just need to say things as they are. I will still continue to post on this blog in the style that I love. It will not change.

If you would like access to
Lost in Sweet Delirium
email: my.scarlet.conclusion@gmail.com

Drink Up, Baby Doll

Leave me be. Stop knocking at my door and trying to look through my windows. Do you understand? I know you're there. I see you every day. The words I write are for me. The words I write are for him. Ours is a never-ending story. The things I write are what's in my heart.....what's in his heart I won't share. I keep what he feels and what he says in the silver box of treasures and wishes he has given me. Do you not have a story of your own? What sickness drives you to me time after time? Am I an addiction? Are my emotions, pain and love your drug? My words are not meant to be conversations to be shared over coffee, or wine, or for your amusement. Were you not asked to stop? If questions cloud your mind ask him. Maybe he will lie. Maybe he will tell you the truth....that the torture I put myself thru is a torture we share and that our future is in my hands. Stop looking to me for answers.

Leave. Me. Be.

Always Between The Lines

The moment has come to pass. The page has been turned. The dark clouds that had drifted above me gave way to a luminous sun. It became clear that my constant deviation from the path I should be on was a detour that was taking me in the wrong direction. I allowed wishful thinking to fade the memories that linger between the lines.

I now begin a new chapter in my life. The next few weeks will be both exciting and busy. We are leaving on a weekend trip tomorrow morning and another next weekend, both of which I am looking forward to. I am hoping to come back with a renewed sense of clarity, ready to move forward with plans that I've been afraid to put into motion, ready for a new beginning in a new house, and ready to let the shadows of the past fall away and make room for what's already here, and especially for what's about to come.

I’m Best At Leaving When Leaving Is Not The Best Thing

Making up after breaking up isn't as easy as love songs make it out to be. I've spent the week at home trying to make up for my hurtful words and actions. No, that's not true. I must be honest, I haven't been trying very hard. I still don't feel like myself and I'm holding our relationship at arms length. The closer it gets to the first of August, the more I seem to pull away. I'm scared I'm making a decision I will regret. I'm afraid of what I will lose either way I go. I know you don't know what I mean....as I've said many times this week..."I don't want to talk about it right now". All I've done is hide behind drunk laughter. Changing the subject when he brings up something I said that hurt or why I left. Changing the subject when he wants to clarify something he knows I've over analyzed in my head. I see it there in his eyes, behind his big smile, hurt. I say nothing. I don't know what words to say to make him feel secure when I can't even understand why I did or said what I did to him. I feel distant. It isn't just towards him....I'm finding it hard to talk to anyone right now. I'm finding it hard to pull myself together and make some important decisions and choices.

The sun is slowly setting and I'm laying by the pool as he gets ready for work. He'll leave in a few minutes and I can just lose myself in thought again. I will reassure him without words that I will be here when he gets home in the morning, he wont come to find me gone. He wont have to leave work early because he's too overwhelmed by my actions and rush home like he did last week to find me gone.

I have an admission to make.... I've been hearing the tick tock tick tock of my biological clock. Funny, it's something that embarrasses me to even admit. Friends are getting married and having children and I feel as though I'm getting left behind. It's not so much the marriage part that has me feeling this way, it's just certain motherly instincts that have surfaced lately. I've begun to question who my soul mate really is. For so long I've searched for a soulmate in the men I've been in relationships with and for some reason...by my fault, their fault, our fault, relationships seem to end and the realization sets in that I must start over again and push those desires to be a mother away. Maybe, it's the little boy who I daydream about holding my hand that is the soulmate that I long for. I know I could be a good mother. I have so much love to give. I could be a good mother, im sure of it. I could do it on my own.

The bottle of wine is fini, the sun has now set and the smell of rain is in the air. It's time to put to rest the thoughts that trouble me for now.

Something Always Brings Me Back To You

I ran away. I packed my suitcases, changed my cell number, got in my car and drove away. I left him with no explanation. I left with no words. I left for no reason other than sometimes I don't know where I belong. For four days I was missing amongst the lost. I left because I cant give my whole self, my complete self. Parts of me still float in the memories of yesterday.

He loves me. Had I wanted to he would have married me 4th of July weekend. That had been the plan. Sedona. A little ceremony performed by a Shaman against the beautiful red rocks. He loves me, my brave policeman loves me. But Sedona belongs to the past. Sedona breaks my heart.

He loves me. He daydreams about our son on my hip as I walk into a room. If I told him I was pregnant he would jump up and down with joy. My wife and my son. He would be ecstatic. And I walked out. Over something stupid. I looked for a reason to. Any reason to leave. I had been waiting for a reason to leave.

For the first time he was angry. How could I just walk away from us. Will I walk out when we're married. Will I disappear again. Will I run when things get hard.

No one knows why I ran but me. No one knows how I continuously fall back into another gravity. I asked a question into the sky the night I left. Home? One simple word asking the world. Are you my home? Silence.

I went back last night. Back to safety. Back to his arms. Back to the dreams we share. Back to the love he has wrapped around me. Leaving the past behind me again, if only for a little while.

And then, unexpectedly, as fate would have it, the answer came just as I walked in the door....but it was too late. I had already found my way home.

Paint The Two Of Us On A Canvas In Chains

Love taken away came back with a thunderous roar with reminders of touching memories, love songs and dreams of a life that once was deeply desired. Confusion, disbelief and even anger clouded my mind and soul. I pushed the past and the present away and for a moment wanted nothing to do with what was once there and what existed now. Promises were made and just as easily broken... and just as quickly as the storm came, it passed, and I was left with the remembered sadness of months passed. The ache I had fought so hard to conquer came back with force and I felt defeated again. I was again an island of melancholia in a sea of sorrow. The dust eventually settled and I understood that what lingers there still, beneath the surface must be accepted. It is up to time to decide if like a tattoo it is there for a lifetime, or if it will fade and only the outline will remain.

In the wake of the storm I discovered that love didn't leave my side for a moment. Love was still standing there, reaching out to me, calling me to him. I am lucky I know...to have someone that loves me and stands beside me even when I tell him that past battles have left me wounded and that I don't know if I will ever truly be healed. I am lucky that he is stubborn, insisting that his heart will prove me wrong.

There are days when forgetting is a struggle. There are days when a song, a tv show, a smell, a memory will send me to a place I thought I had turned away from and forgotten. Sometimes I wish I could just forget it all. Oh, to erase the painful memories as Clementine did in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind! How easy life would be then. How painless. I suppose all I can do is remember the good, learn from the bad and be grateful for the path that led me to where I am now.

Singing My Way Away From Blue

After a week of limited interaction with my significant other due to his having to attend work related training that has him up and out of the house before dawn and back home extremely exhausted and in bed by 8pm I have come to truly believe that absence does make the heart grow fonder. This is my first experience with "missing" him and I will admit I hate it. Time together has become a luxury and I am looking forward to this weekend as we will be in our little bubble of love and passion again. I feel as though I have won the cosmic jackpot having been found by this man who makes me happier than I've been in a long, long time.

i am in the most exquisite distress
astride you now
sweating
feeling an impetuous volcano
strain at its peak
inside
wanting to explode
my sweetest self
all over you.

The Sweetest Story Line

It's been nearly impossible to get anything done lately. I have been in a constant state of romantic sensual bliss. I can't concentrate at work. I sit here in my office and day dream all day long. I'm distracted doing the simplest things. I've been happy and giddy and walking around with a silly school girl smile. It feels amazing to have someone tell you that you are everything they have always dreamed of. It's wondrous to have someone look at you with an expression of total and complete happiness and knowing it is you that has made them so happy. I listen to the things he says...they sound so familiar to me. He speaks of soul mates, fate, destiny. Everything feels so good right now that I get that panicky feeling inside, the one that says "this is too good to be true". And at those moments when fear gets inside my heart and I start to pull away, he asks me not to give up on us. I hear his voice and it soothes away the anxiety and the fear of allowing someone in again.




Sigh.



Off to day dream I go again.

Not the Quick Forget

Driving at dusk. Windows down. Music playing. Happy. Suddenly, unexpectedly, a song starts to play loudly. Our song.

I thought I'd locked him up somewhere where he could not get to me anymore but in an instant I feel him around me as if he had never been gone. That ache that lingers somewhere deep inside comes to the surface and I have to fight back the tears. I will not cry. I will not. I had not allowed myself to think about him for more than a second, to miss him had not even been a question. But there he is, the words of the song bringing him to life again. Do I still love him, I ask myself. After all, three years is a long time and its only been a few months since we ended. If I don't love him anymore does that mean I didn't love him as much as I thought I did?
Why does it matter? Why do I care? It doesn't matter. I don't care.

My mood changes. Darkens. What is that I feel now? Fear. Today I run far away from love, and the possibility of love, and the thought of love, and the power of love. Today I push love away.

Love is dangerous. Love is a fickle little bitch. Love has such power.
.Love. Love. Love.
I don't trust you, Love!

I want to pick up the phone and call him...but I have nothing to say and I don't know how much power his voice still has over me and I cant take the risk. Tonight I will just let the past slip in to remind me to be careful this time around....not to believe so quickly....not to hand over my heart completely. Tonight I will just listen to the song we were going to dance to at our wedding and let it fall off me until all it is is a pretty melody with lovely words that I can lock up in my box of memories and not open again for a long, long time.

Object of Desire

Who is this naked sex nymph I have become? This intoxicated sensual vixen? Touch me and you'll see...I'm on fire. What is happening to me? What has this man done to me? What is this tearing clothes off as we walk in the door relationship, this racing home from work to be thrown up against the wall relationship doing to me? He is like a drug to me. I must have him. He must have me.

Is lust the primary emotion in this new relationship? Oh yes, there is lust, but I have felt lust before and this is different....this is raw desire not just for everything sex, but for everything him.

How can I describe this man? Tall. Strong. Handsome. His body is, oh God, his body. Shaved Head. A Bad Ass on the right side of the law. Sexy...so damn Sexy! I have never been as physically attracted to anyone as I am to him. He is my boy toy fantasy come true.

Before you think that he is the rebound.... that this is the relationship that immediately follows heartbreak, he is not. There was someone else before him. Someone sweet, kind, funny, who gave me hope that there are still good men left in this world. Someone I made perfectly clear to that I was not ready for a relationship. I felt strongly about that. I did not want to belong to anyone. As great as he was I just did not feel that passion that is so important to me, that I refuse to live without. Before the ink even dried on the pages of my diary where I had listed the reasons I did not want a boyfriend....there he was.

He wants me to meet his parents. He wants me to meet his friends. He wants to take me on trips. I am his obsession. I am his addiction. I am his dream girl. He wants to take care of me. I have never had a man tell me he wants to take care of me. It was always I who wanted to take care of someone. This isn't just about lust.

What it is, what its going to be, I don't know. What I am sure of is that I have not felt this good in a long time...and I am enjoying every second of it.

Fire

Rain falls hard as he lays me down on the bed. I am suspended in air, lost in a place no one has ever taken me before. In this moment of fire there is no past. There is only the sounds of my breathing, my heart beating against his.

His body is as beautiful as a sculpture of a Greek God, such elegant symmetry of form. My fingertips painting pictures across his etched stomach and the sharp line above his groin and hip....the iliac crest, my weakness.

Smell of lilacs floating in the air like a love song. Lips on my shoulder. My name like a sigh repeated over and over.

Raindrops hit the window pane, as we sway like branches in a storm. Back and forth.

He pulls me to him.
You’re all I see, he says.

I close my eyes to his gaze. He looks at me in a way no one has in a long time.

Floating away. Lost in clouds. I fall asleep to the sound of his whispered song in my ear...


She needs to feel that fire
The one that lets her know for sure
She's everything I want and more
A real desire

Does she know I'd walk alone out on the wire
To make her feel that fire
Feel that fire

Defending The Silver Lining

Endings are always difficult. New beginnings exciting. That is what I am discovering. I have been thru a lot in the recent past. I have found myself asking the night sky why people do the hurtful things they do in the name of love. Having found no answers I am resolved to never find out. Communication with the ex has been minimal. I ask him to return my belongings but he holds on to them. He says seeing me would be torture. I ask him if he can please give me my beloved cat. He refuses. My feelings toward him are ones of numbness. His constant threats and demands had made me feel as though I was living in a pressure cooker. Funny, I feel sorry for the next woman in his life. I'm sure she will get the "I'm an honorable man, I'm a good man" line from him as I did. I hope she is smart enough to know that men who find the need to convince you of this thru words, won't back it up by actions. I did not realize this until it was too late.

Our last conversations were filled with anger and sadness. In one sentence telling me that all would be better if I just showed up to "our" home, that he would remove the ad he had on eharmony, he would call anyone he had gone out with and end things. That placing that ad had been punishment for not running to him when he wanted me there. It was me he wanted. My silence always setting him off in the rage that I had gotten accustomed to... and in this rage he said the words that I will forever remember.

"You want to know something?! Do you?! I am a good man!.... Last night she had my cock in her mouth!"

I sat there stunned. That statement he made was almost comedic had it not hurt so much. How he could put those two sentences together I will never know. But those words set me on the path that I am now on.

I told a friend of mine that I wasn't going to date for 90 days. Give myself a little break from having to worry about having someone else in my life, and instead focus on me. I was after all feeling jaded and angry and resentful. He, as all good friends do, defended the silver lining. Not allowing me to believe that love was not on my side. He said something to me that I will quote, I hope he doesn't mind.....

"There are over 5 billion people in the world, of those 5 billion people there are souls waiting to have someone like you in their life who will return and sacrifice more love than you could possibly imagine."

The thought that somewhere out there is the "soul" that is waiting for me to come along gave me hope once again. Two weeks ago I met someone. A man that stands out. I think he's crushing on me. I think I'm crushing on him. Unfolding the layers of who he is is an adventure I am excited to go on. Where this all will go I do not know. The only thing I am sure of is that once again, I feel like the girl who dances with her heart on her sleeve, just as I always have....

just as I always will.

Happy Birthday To Me

The clock struck the midnight hour and I popped the cork of the bottle of champagne I bought to celebrate my birthday with. Yes, it's my birthday today. "What do you want for your birthday?", I've been asked. What I want is for the sleepless nights and the ache in my heart from the pain he has caused me again to disappear . I want the doctor who told me that not only do I have a "mass" in my left breast but two nodules in my right breast that must be removed immediately to say she made a mistake. I want to not be so scared of the "C" word. But what I want I cant have. So, I'll just sit here, in the red cocktail dress that I bought today in an effort to feel good and look pretty, when all I feel like to do is climb back in bed. I will blow out the candles on my birthday cake knowing full well that not one wish will come true this year.

Amnesiac

I wish I was floating on an azure sea, weightless. The tranquil waters soothing the thunderstorm inside of me. I wish someone would hold my hand, no words spoken, strength thru touch. I wish I didn't know what I know. Amnesiac. Words forgotten cannot hurt. I wish I was the woman I used to be. I am nothing, to no one. I wish I wasn't so alone, in an empty house, in a crowded room. I wish I had not believed in the protector, I was never protected. I was never safe.

I wish I could write. Unleash the words that bind me, keeping me locked in my prison.

I wish. I wish. I wish.

And They Lived Happily Ever After

He loves me, he says. I'm his baby. Marrying me is such a wonderful thought, he says. Uses phrases like "rebuild our relationship". Empty words. This time it's different for me. Some sins you can't forget. Some sins you can't forgive. I wait for the explosion that will come out of nowhere. The rage, the screaming, the cursing. They always do. I know I will get burned again. I am prepared. This time I know that the world does not revolve around him. This time I know I won't die without him. My heart does not belong to him like it once did. I'm numb and yet at the same time I feel everything magnified by a thousand. I can't explain what I mean.

I almost slept with someone. Slept, how funny to say that when sleeping was the last thing that was going to happen. A revenge fuck? Trying to make it "even"? No. Nothing I can do will ever make it even. I wanted so much to just forget. The fallen hero stopped me. "Where are you? You re meeting someone aren't you? Tell me the truth..where are you and what are you doing there? Think of our future!!"Pulling out the big guns.

Did you think of that when you put an ad up on a fuck site??, I asked.
No.You did not.

He gave me his password to his email accounts as a way I suppose of proving his trustworthiness. See? It's all out in the open. There's nothing else. No other secrets. Stupid not to realize that I would actually look. Discovered he had also put an ad up on yahoo personals for two months last year. We were fighting, he says. Put an ad on Match.com as well. I guess we were fighting then to. Pulling back the layers of our relationship, discovering more lies, more deception.
Discovering that it wasn't real. None of it was real.
Let's not dwell on all that anymore, he says.
I love you, he says.
I laugh.
Is that me? I wonder. Is that bitter laugh coming from me??

Enter stage two. Anger. Not the kind that makes you scream and throw things, but that slow burn anger. Inside of you. Makes your chest feel tight. Try to swallow it down but it wont go away. Try to push it out of your mind, but there it is. It's made it's home in your soul.

Angry. So angry.

Somebody Said That Nothing Lasts Forever

I have to make a list. A list of all the things I must do in order to keep busy. Every minute of my waking hours must be occupied. I wont think about him. I look in the mirror and face the woman I've become. My eyes red from crying. My heart in shreds. I look beyond that and see who I must become again.

A profile on a sex site is what I found last night. A superhero no more. How long did I look at it before I could call him. Unable to even speak. So quick to seek revenge for crimes he finds me guilty of. Always so quick to inflict the most severe of punishments. Confronted...defensive, sarcastic, "Whatever" he says.

What goes around comes back around, I tell myself.
I don't think he knows that.

I had a breast augmentation procedure several days ago. A new body and now a new life. I look at myself and think I look different. I don't mean in the obvious my breasts have gone from a C cup to DD's. I see anger. I see a girl who does not believe in the things she did just a year ago. I don't see the girl that believed in soul mates.

I see a woman who knows better.

For All These Things

In years past when I asked myself what it was I was truly thankful for, I always thought of the usual things. I was thankful I had a good job with a pretty good salary, I was thankful that I had a good group of friends and I was especially thankful for love, given and received. With everything that has happened this year, what I am thankful for, feels so different than before. Today has been a hard day for me. I sat at my Fathers grave early this morning and cried and thought of all the things that I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful that this year is finally coming to an end as it has been a hard and painful one for me. I feel this year was about death and pain and loneliness and punishment. I learned when my maternal grandfather passed away at the beginning of the year, and just a few months later, my Father passing away, what sorrow really felt like, what it felt like to be alone. Losing two very important men in my life was devastating. I am thankful that I have a good man in my life, who although not perfect, has shown me how love can make everything better and that he is someone I can believe in. I can't wait to get on that plane this afternoon and surprise him at the end of his shift. For him I am thankful and just how much, I will show him.

This year I learned to accept that no matter how good a daughter I try to be to my Mother, I will never be good enough. She will always find a way to make me feel as though I am nothing. I can not understand why Mothers were given such a power over their daughters. Even today, Thanksgiving Day, when I tried to make our first year without my Dad a good one, she made me feel my efforts were worthless. Even when I held her hand and told her I would take her to the emergency room because she was feeling ill, and that everything would be okay, did she pull away from me and tell me I could never make it better for her. I am thankful that because of all she's done, and especially, all she hasn't done for me, I have become a strong person.

I am thankful to my Father, for having given me a substantial amount of money upon his death. I know that money is just money, and that it does not buy you happiness, but I think that his leaving it all to me was his way of telling me I don't ever have to take anyone's shit again. That I can walk away from any situation.

I am thankful for every day when I wake up and the first words I hear are "I love you". Those three words have melted my heart and shown me that I can believe again. I am thankful for promises to a beautiful life, so soon to come. I am thankful for laughter, for all the simple pleasures that bring me joy.

I am thankful for friends, some of whom I've never met, who always have caring, supportive words to offer me. They have no idea how much those words mean to me. I am thankful for the people who stand beside me and get mad with me, and for me, and help me fight all the demons, real or imagined.

I am thankful that I continue to be who I am. No matter who tries to purposely hurt me. I am thankful that although some hurts I can never forget, I can forgive those who felt it necessary to show me the dark side of their love. I am thankful that I can still love freely and that I have not turned into a bitter person, unable to give love, to be generous, to be hopeful. I am thankful that under no circumstances, no vengeful acts thrown my way, no one can take those qualities away from me. I am thankful that I still believe that love does conquer all, that my love of family, past, present and future will never fade, and I am thankful that the hope that is deep in my heart, my soul, continues to remind me that the day will come when I will find the happiness, the family, the life that I've always wanted.

For all these things I am thankful.

The Purity In Dreaming

I've written my letter to Santa. Kind of early I know, but its been written and sent. The list is long and it's not the usual "I want peace on earth" as it's been other years. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still wish for what is truly the unattainable gift. This years list just happens to be a little selfish, a little "all about me". It consists of 101 different things I've been drooling over to furnish the new house, which by the way, is well on its way to being done. Hopefully all construction on it will be complete right before my birthday.

"What do you want for your Birthday?" He asks.
"To make that house a home." I say.

Is it wrong that I still sometimes allow myself to dream that silly dream. The one where I end up having my happily ever after. The dream where all wrongs are forgotten and love is beautiful. I still dream that all this wanting in my heart for love that wont go away, for finally finding my place, my home, isn't too much for me to ask for. I think I've been a good enough girl. I think I deserve it. I truly hope I do.

Love After Love

Wake up to the smell of wood burning in the fireplace, hot cup of coffee with a small piece of banana nut bread bought at the farmers market before I walk out the door to face the day. Take a deep breath of crisp air. Walk to the car. So much to do today. Look at the sky, autumn blue, look at the leaves, a kaleidoscope of amber. I go on about my day, I go on about my life. Everything has changed yet everything is still the same. Driving, pass pumpkin adorned front yards. Maybe it's the change of seasons, maybe it is the feel of the holidays looming around the corner that make me smile. Holidays to be spent in a house that love is building. A house to be filled with treasures and memories and kids and hope.

Maybe it's just me.

Happy once again.

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.


-Derek Walcott

Lover Alone Without Love

Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall

Sitting in a crowded restaurant, suddenly becoming aware of my solitude. Stunned. Is everyone watching me? Does everyone see thru me? Does anyone see me? No. No one sees me anymore. Drive, where do I go? The light goes to red, then green and I continue, searching for something, for someone to show me who to be. Driving, wishing the world was flat so I could drive right off.

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you listen?
Lover alone without, without love

I had a dream, I made a wish, and for a second in time, I thought that it had all come true. I forgot...that you always wake up from dreams...that they don't go on forever. Dreams form into a true reality, dreams fade from what they were into what they are. Dreams don't come true.

No, no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
'Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
It's turning out all wrong

I know what you think.

I know.
But you're wrong.
I am still someone's princess. I am still someone's vision of wife, lover, mother. Tarnished now. I am someone's vision of cunt, of bitch. The mirror is held up in front of me and I see someone I don't recognize. I hold the mirror back and I show them the reflection. Tarnished, too. Can't I just start over? Can't I just press the rewind button all the way to the beginning. What a different form I would take! A different road I would take, knowing what I know now.

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you listen?
Love alone without, without love

Too many tears. I could fill an ocean. So much anger. It fills my whole heart. Take me away from this. Take me back to the beginning.