For All These Things

In years past when I asked myself what it was I was truly thankful for, I always thought of the usual things. I was thankful I had a good job with a pretty good salary, I was thankful that I had a good group of friends and I was especially thankful for love, given and received. With everything that has happened this year, what I am thankful for, feels so different than before. Today has been a hard day for me. I sat at my Fathers grave early this morning and cried and thought of all the things that I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful that this year is finally coming to an end as it has been a hard and painful one for me. I feel this year was about death and pain and loneliness and punishment. I learned when my maternal grandfather passed away at the beginning of the year, and just a few months later, my Father passing away, what sorrow really felt like, what it felt like to be alone. Losing two very important men in my life was devastating. I am thankful that I have a good man in my life, who although not perfect, has shown me how love can make everything better and that he is someone I can believe in. I can't wait to get on that plane this afternoon and surprise him at the end of his shift. For him I am thankful and just how much, I will show him.

This year I learned to accept that no matter how good a daughter I try to be to my Mother, I will never be good enough. She will always find a way to make me feel as though I am nothing. I can not understand why Mothers were given such a power over their daughters. Even today, Thanksgiving Day, when I tried to make our first year without my Dad a good one, she made me feel my efforts were worthless. Even when I held her hand and told her I would take her to the emergency room because she was feeling ill, and that everything would be okay, did she pull away from me and tell me I could never make it better for her. I am thankful that because of all she's done, and especially, all she hasn't done for me, I have become a strong person.

I am thankful to my Father, for having given me a substantial amount of money upon his death. I know that money is just money, and that it does not buy you happiness, but I think that his leaving it all to me was his way of telling me I don't ever have to take anyone's shit again. That I can walk away from any situation.

I am thankful for every day when I wake up and the first words I hear are "I love you". Those three words have melted my heart and shown me that I can believe again. I am thankful for promises to a beautiful life, so soon to come. I am thankful for laughter, for all the simple pleasures that bring me joy.

I am thankful for friends, some of whom I've never met, who always have caring, supportive words to offer me. They have no idea how much those words mean to me. I am thankful for the people who stand beside me and get mad with me, and for me, and help me fight all the demons, real or imagined.

I am thankful that I continue to be who I am. No matter who tries to purposely hurt me. I am thankful that although some hurts I can never forget, I can forgive those who felt it necessary to show me the dark side of their love. I am thankful that I can still love freely and that I have not turned into a bitter person, unable to give love, to be generous, to be hopeful. I am thankful that under no circumstances, no vengeful acts thrown my way, no one can take those qualities away from me. I am thankful that I still believe that love does conquer all, that my love of family, past, present and future will never fade, and I am thankful that the hope that is deep in my heart, my soul, continues to remind me that the day will come when I will find the happiness, the family, the life that I've always wanted.

For all these things I am thankful.