Defending The Silver Lining

Endings are always difficult. New beginnings exciting. That is what I am discovering. I have been thru a lot in the recent past. I have found myself asking the night sky why people do the hurtful things they do in the name of love. Having found no answers I am resolved to never find out. Communication with the ex has been minimal. I ask him to return my belongings but he holds on to them. He says seeing me would be torture. I ask him if he can please give me my beloved cat. He refuses. My feelings toward him are ones of numbness. His constant threats and demands had made me feel as though I was living in a pressure cooker. Funny, I feel sorry for the next woman in his life. I'm sure she will get the "I'm an honorable man, I'm a good man" line from him as I did. I hope she is smart enough to know that men who find the need to convince you of this thru words, won't back it up by actions. I did not realize this until it was too late.

Our last conversations were filled with anger and sadness. In one sentence telling me that all would be better if I just showed up to "our" home, that he would remove the ad he had on eharmony, he would call anyone he had gone out with and end things. That placing that ad had been punishment for not running to him when he wanted me there. It was me he wanted. My silence always setting him off in the rage that I had gotten accustomed to... and in this rage he said the words that I will forever remember.

"You want to know something?! Do you?! I am a good man!.... Last night she had my cock in her mouth!"

I sat there stunned. That statement he made was almost comedic had it not hurt so much. How he could put those two sentences together I will never know. But those words set me on the path that I am now on.

I told a friend of mine that I wasn't going to date for 90 days. Give myself a little break from having to worry about having someone else in my life, and instead focus on me. I was after all feeling jaded and angry and resentful. He, as all good friends do, defended the silver lining. Not allowing me to believe that love was not on my side. He said something to me that I will quote, I hope he doesn't mind.....

"There are over 5 billion people in the world, of those 5 billion people there are souls waiting to have someone like you in their life who will return and sacrifice more love than you could possibly imagine."

The thought that somewhere out there is the "soul" that is waiting for me to come along gave me hope once again. Two weeks ago I put my picture and ad up on Match. I was apprehensive. I was kind of scared. What type of men would I meet? I have received numerous responses to my profile. I could probably go out on a date every single night with a different man for the next three months. But I have never been a serial dater. I am still just the girl who wants to find that one person who gives me goose bumps and butterflies. The constant flow of messages, people saying they would like to "know me better" has been interesting to say the least. Out of all of the messages I have received there is one man that stands out. I think he's crushing on me. I think I'm crushing on him. Unfolding the layers of who he is is an adventure I am excited to go on. Where this all will go I do not know. The only thing I am sure of is that once again, I feel like the girl who dances with her heart on her sleeve, just as I always have....

just as I always will.