Not the Quick Forget

Driving at dusk. Windows down. Music playing. Happy. Suddenly, unexpectedly, a song starts to play loudly. Our song.

I thought I'd locked him up somewhere where he could not get to me anymore but in an instant I feel him around me as if he had never been gone. That ache that lingers somewhere deep inside comes to the surface and I have to fight back the tears. I will not cry. I will not. I had not allowed myself to think about him for more than a second, to miss him had not even been a question. But there he is, the words of the song bringing him to life again. Do I still love him, I ask myself. After all, three years is a long time and its only been a few months since we ended. If I don't love him anymore does that mean I didn't love him as much as I thought I did?
Why does it matter? Why do I care? It doesn't matter. I don't care.

My mood changes. Darkens. What is that I feel now? Fear. Today I run far away from love, and the possibility of love, and the thought of love, and the power of love. Today I push love away.

Love is dangerous. Love is a fickle little bitch. Love has such power.
.Love. Love. Love.
I don't trust you, Love!

I want to pick up the phone and call him...but I have nothing to say and I don't know how much power his voice still has over me and I cant take the risk. Tonight I will just let the past slip in to remind me to be careful this time around....not to believe so quickly....not to hand over my heart completely. Tonight I will just listen to the song we were going to dance to at our wedding and let it fall off me until all it is is a pretty melody with lovely words that I can lock up in my box of memories and not open again for a long, long time.