I ran away. I packed my suitcases, changed my cell number, got in my car and drove away. I left him with no explanation. I left with no words. I left for no reason other than sometimes I don't know where I belong. For four days I was missing amongst the lost. I left because I cant give my whole self, my complete self. Parts of me still float in the memories of yesterday.
He loves me. Had I wanted to he would have married me 4th of July weekend. That had been the plan. Sedona. A little ceremony performed by a Shaman against the beautiful red rocks. He loves me. But Sedona belongs to the past. Sedona breaks my heart.
He loves me. He daydreams about our son on my hip as I walk into a room. If I told him I was pregnant he would jump up and down with joy. My wife and my son. He would be ecstatic. And I walked out. Over something stupid. I looked for a reason to. Any reason to leave. I had been waiting for a reason to leave.
For the first time he was angry. How could I just walk away from us. Will I walk out when we're married. Will I disappear again. Will I run when things get hard.
No one knows why I ran but me. No one knows how I continuously fall back into another gravity. I asked a question into the sky the night I left. Home? One simple word asking the world. Are you my home? Silence.
I went back last night. Back to safety. Back to his arms. Back to the dreams we share. Back to the love he has wrapped around me. Leaving the past behind me again, if only for a little while.
And then, unexpectedly, as fate would have it, the answer came just as I walked in the door....but it was too late. I had already found my way home.
2 Love Letters:
If Id'a known you were in Phoenix and had your number.... I'm gonna be in L.A. on the 28th
Oh girl, do not stay with a man who you have these feelings with! I was with a man who was so excited to be married and when I was pregnant he was ecstatic, but it was not what I wanted...there is a reason you left over something so small. Its almost as if you know what that reason is but you are denying it to yourself. your happiness is enough reason to leave him. if you are not happy, you have the right to leave - if only for that!
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