The Sweetest Story Line

It's been nearly impossible to get anything done lately. I have been in a constant state of romantic sensual bliss. I can't concentrate at work. I sit here in my office and day dream all day long. I'm distracted doing the simplest things. I've been happy and giddy and walking around with a silly school girl smile. It feels amazing to have someone tell you that you are everything they have always dreamed of. It's wondrous to have someone look at you with an expression of total and complete happiness and knowing it is you that has made them so happy. I listen to the things he says...they sound so familiar to me. He speaks of soul mates, fate, destiny. Everything feels so good right now that I get that panicky feeling inside, the one that says "this is too good to be true". And at those moments when fear gets inside my heart and I start to pull away, he asks me not to give up on us. I hear his voice and it soothes away the anxiety and the fear of allowing someone in again.

Sigh.
Off to day dream I go again.

Not the Quick Forget

Driving at dusk. Windows down. Music playing. Happy. Suddenly, unexpectedly, a song starts to play loudly. Our song.

I thought I'd locked him up somewhere where he could not get to me anymore but in an instant I feel him around me as if he had never been gone. That ache that lingers somewhere deep inside comes to the surface and I have to fight back the tears. I will not cry. I will not. I had not allowed myself to think about him for more than a second, to miss him had not even been a question. But there he is, the words of the song bringing him to life again. Do I still love him, I ask myself. After all, three years is a long time and its only been a few months since we ended. If I don't love him anymore does that mean I didn't love him as much as I thought I did?
Why does it matter? Why do I care? It doesn't matter. I don't care.

My mood changes. Darkens. What is that I feel now? Fear. Today I run far away from love, and the possibility of love, and the thought of love, and the power of love. Today I push love away.

Love is dangerous. Love is a fickle little bitch. Love has such power.
.Love. Love. Love.
I don't trust you, Love!

I want to pick up the phone and call him...but I have nothing to say and I don't know how much power his voice still has over me and I cant take the risk. Tonight I will just let the past slip in to remind me to be careful this time around....not to believe so quickly....not to hand over my heart completely. Tonight I will just listen to the song we were going to dance to at our wedding and let it fall off me until all it is is a pretty melody with lovely words that I can lock up in my box of memories and not open again for a long, long time.

Object of Desire

Who is this naked sex nymph I have become? This intoxicated sensual vixen? Touch me and you'll see...I'm on fire. What is happening to me? What has this man done to me? What is this tearing clothes off as we walk in the door relationship, this racing home from work to be thrown up against the wall relationship doing to me? He is like a drug to me. I must have him. He must have me.

Is lust the primary emotion in this new relationship? Oh yes, there is lust, but I have felt lust before and this is different....this is raw desire not just for everything sex, but for everything him.

How can I describe this man? Tall. Strong. Handsome. His body is, oh God, his body. Shaved Head. A Bad Ass on the right side of the law. Sexy...so damn Sexy! I have never been as physically attracted to anyone as I am to him. He is my boy toy fantasy come true.

Before you think that he is the rebound.... that this is the relationship that immediately follows heartbreak, he is not. There was someone else before him. Someone sweet, kind, funny, who gave me hope that there are still good men left in this world. Someone I made perfectly clear to that I was not ready for a relationship. I felt strongly about that. I did not want to belong to anyone. As great as he was I just did not feel that passion that is so important to me, that I refuse to live without. Before the ink even dried on the pages of my diary where I had listed the reasons I did not want a boyfriend....there he was.

He wants me to meet his parents. He wants me to meet his friends. He wants to take me on trips. I am his obsession. I am his addiction. I am his dream girl. He wants to take care of me. I have never had a man tell me he wants to take care of me. It was always I who wanted to take care of someone. This isn't just about lust.

What it is, what its going to be, I don't know. What I am sure of is that I have not felt this good in a long time...and I am enjoying every second of it.

Fire

Rain falls hard as he lays me down on the bed. I am suspended in air, lost in a place no one has ever taken me before. In this moment of fire there is no past. There is only the sounds of my breathing, my heart beating against his.

His body is as beautiful as a sculpture of a Greek God, such elegant symmetry of form. My fingertips painting pictures across his etched stomach and the sharp line above his groin and hip....the iliac crest, my weakness.

Smell of lilacs floating in the air like a love song. Lips on my shoulder. My name like a sigh repeated over and over.

Raindrops hit the window pane, as we sway like branches in a storm. Back and forth.

He pulls me to him.
You’re all I see, he says.

I close my eyes to his gaze. He looks at me in a way no one has in a long time.

Floating away. Lost in clouds. I fall asleep to the sound of his whispered song in my ear...


She needs to feel that fire
The one that lets her know for sure
She's everything I want and more
A real desire

Does she know I'd walk alone out on the wire
To make her feel that fire
Feel that fire