I've been working on something. An exclusive blog. A blog where my secrets will be revealed to those who ask for access. I've grown weary of those who read the words I write here, who talk about them, who get hurt by them, who love me less or love me more because of them. This new blog will be different, all mystery gone, no shadows to hide behind. A place where I will reveal myself. My true self. No tangle of words. It will just be me. Stripped. As much as I love the mystery behind the words I write there are times when I just need to say things as they are. I will still continue to post on this blog in the style that I love. It will not change.
If you would like access to Lost in Sweet Delirium email: my.scarlet.conclusion@gmail.com
Leave me be. Stop knocking at my door and trying to look through my windows. Do you understand? I know you're there. I see you every day. The words I write are for me. The words I write are for him. Ours is a never-ending story. The things I write are what's in my heart.....what's in his heart I won't share. I keep what he feels and what he says in the silver box of treasures and wishes he has given me. Do you not have a story of your own? What sickness drives you to me time after time? Am I an addiction? Are my emotions, pain and love your drug? My words are not meant to be conversations to be shared over coffee, or wine, or for your amusement. Were you not asked to stop? If questions cloud your mind ask him. Maybe he will lie. Maybe he will tell you the truth....that the torture I put myself thru is a torture we share and that our future is in my hands. Stop looking to me for answers.
The moment has come to pass. The page has been turned. The dark clouds that had drifted above me gave way to a luminous sun. It became clear that my constant deviation from the path I should be on was a detour that was taking me in the wrong direction. I allowed wishful thinking to fade the memories that linger between the lines.
I now begin a new chapter in my life. The next few weeks will be both exciting and busy. We are leaving on a weekend trip tomorrow morning and another next weekend, both of which I am looking forward to. I am hoping to come back with a renewed sense of clarity, ready to move forward with plans that I've been afraid to put into motion, ready for a new beginning in a new house, and ready to let the shadows of the past fall away and make room for what's already here, and especially for what's about to come.
Making up after breaking up isn't as easy as love songs make it out to be. I've spent the week at home trying to make up for my hurtful words and actions. No, that's not true. I must be honest, I haven't been trying very hard. I still don't feel like myself and I'm holding our relationship at arms length. The closer it gets to the first of August, the more I seem to pull away. I'm scared I'm making a decision I will regret. I'm afraid of what I will lose either way I go. I know you don't know what I mean....as I've said many times this week..."I don't want to talk about it right now". All I've done is hide behind drunk laughter. Changing the subject when he brings up something I said that hurt or why I left. Changing the subject when he wants to clarify something he knows I've over analyzed in my head. I see it there in his eyes, behind his big smile, hurt. I say nothing. I don't know what words to say to make him feel secure when I can't even understand why I did or said what I did to him. I feel distant. It isn't just towards him....I'm finding it hard to talk to anyone right now. I'm finding it hard to pull myself together and make some important decisions and choices.
The sun is slowly setting and I'm laying by the pool as he gets ready for work. He'll leave in a few minutes and I can just lose myself in thought again. I will reassure him without words that I will be here when he gets home in the morning, he wont come to find me gone. He wont have to leave work early because he's too overwhelmed by my actions and rush home like he did last week to find me gone.
I have an admission to make.... I've been hearing the tick tock tick tock of my biological clock. Funny, it's something that embarrasses me to even admit. Friends are getting married and having children and I feel as though I'm getting left behind. It's not so much the marriage part that has me feeling this way, it's just certain motherly instincts that have surfaced lately. I've begun to question who my soul mate really is. For so long I've searched for a soulmate in the men I've been in relationships with and for some reason...by my fault, their fault, our fault, relationships seem to end and the realization sets in that I must start over again and push those desires to be a mother away. Maybe, it's the little boy who I daydream about holding my hand that is the soulmate that I long for. I know I could be a good mother. I have so much love to give. I could be a good mother, im sure of it. I could do it on my own.
The bottle of wine is fini, the sun has now set and the smell of rain is in the air. It's time to put to rest the thoughts that trouble me for now.
I ran away. I packed my suitcases, changed my cell number, got in my car and drove away. I left him with no explanation. I left with no words. I left for no reason other than sometimes I don't know where I belong. For four days I was missing amongst the lost. I left because I cant give my whole self, my complete self. Parts of me still float in the memories of yesterday.
He loves me. Had I wanted to he would have married me 4th of July weekend. That had been the plan. Sedona. A little ceremony performed by a Shaman against the beautiful red rocks. He loves me. But Sedona belongs to the past. Sedona breaks my heart.
He loves me. He daydreams about our son on my hip as I walk into a room. If I told him I was pregnant he would jump up and down with joy. My wife and my son. He would be ecstatic. And I walked out. Over something stupid. I looked for a reason to. Any reason to leave. I had been waiting for a reason to leave.
For the first time he was angry. How could I just walk away from us. Will I walk out when we're married. Will I disappear again. Will I run when things get hard.
No one knows why I ran but me. No one knows how I continuously fall back into another gravity. I asked a question into the sky the night I left. Home? One simple word asking the world. Are you my home? Silence.
I went back last night. Back to safety. Back to his arms. Back to the dreams we share. Back to the love he has wrapped around me. Leaving the past behind me again, if only for a little while.
And then, unexpectedly, as fate would have it, the answer came just as I walked in the door....but it was too late. I had already found my way home.
I've been working on something. An exclusive blog. A blog where my secrets will be revealed to those who ask for access. I've grown weary of those who read the words I write here, who talk about them, who get hurt by them, who love me less or love me more because of them. This new blog will be different, all mystery gone, no shadows to hide behind. A place where I will reveal myself. My true self. No tangle of words. It will just be me. Stripped. As much as I love the mystery behind the words I write there are times when I just need to say things as they are. I will still continue to post on this blog in the style that I love. It will not change.
